Tuesday, February 11, 2025
Written by
Hannah Dummer, t-LMHC
University Counseling Service

As human beings, we thrive on social connections with others, whether our relationships are familial, romantic, or platonic. However, it’s important to remember that not all relationships are beneficial or healthy. Some can have a negative impact on our physical or mental well-being, or simply bring unnecessary stress into our lives.

With Valentine’s Day approaching, it’s a good time to reflect on the relationships we hold. Consider both the positives and negatives in your relationships determine what you’re willing to accept and where you need to draw the line. Sometimes, a relationship that has been part of your life for years may no longer serve your best interests. It could be the childhood friend who undermines your self-esteem, the significant other whose “bad days” have become the norm, or even a family member who repeatedly violates your boundaries despite your discomfort.

Healthy Relationship Green Flags 

  • Consistent communication
  • Mutual respect for boundaries
  • Trust
  • Unconditional support
  • Equality within the relationship
  • Safety
  • Fun!

When these qualities are present, it’s more likely that both you and the other person will feel supported, respected, and able to grow within the relationship (read more).

Red Flags in a Relationship 

  • Love bombing: Excessive attention, affection, or gifts early on to create a sense of obligation or dependency.
  • Controlling behavior: Attempting to enforce beliefs or decisions onto you, whether directly or indirectly.
  • Violence: Any form of physical aggression.
  • Abuse: Verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual mistreatment.
  • Manipulation: Using guilt, threats, or other tactics to control your actions or feelings.
  • Mismatch in values and goals: A persistent incompatibility in core beliefs or future aspirations.
  • Distrust/jealousy: Constant suspicion or possessiveness that undermines trust.
  • Breadcrumbing: Providing minimal attention or affection only to keep you involved without genuine commitment.
  • read more.

Finding Balance and Moving Forward

Every relationship — no matter how strong — will have its ups and downs. The key is recognizing whether these rough patches are temporary challenges that can be resolved or persistent issues that cause harm. Remember, a healthy relationship is reciprocal: both parties should benefit and contribute positively to each other’s lives.

Ask yourself:

  • Does this relationship support my well-being?
  • Are my boundaries respected?
  • Do I feel safe and valued?

If the answer is consistently “no,” it might be time to consider ending the relationship. Your safety (physically, mentally, and emotionally) should always come first.

How to End a Relationship 

  1. Face-to-face communication (if safe): Whenever possible and safe, end the relationship in person to maintain respect and clarity.
  2. Avoid blame: Keep the focus on how you feel rather than placing all blame on the other person.
  3. Be honest: Express your feelings and reasons truthfully.
  4. Be direct: Clarity can help both parties understand the finality of the decision.
  5. Pre-plan what you want to say: Having a plan can reduce anxiety and help you stay on track during a difficult conversation.
  6. Don’t expect anything from the other person: Understand that the other person may react unpredictably and accept that outcome.
  7. Take responsibility for mistakes made on your end: Acknowledge your own shortcomings or role in the relationship issues.
  8. read more.

You Are Not Alone: Resources and Support

If you ever feel unsafe or overwhelmed by the process of ending a relationship—or if you simply need someone to talk to—help is available. Here are some local and national resources you can turn to:

If you’re a University of Iowa student, don’t forget about University Counseling Services, which offers counseling, support groups, and other mental health resources. You deserve healthy, supportive relationships—take the time to assess yours and prioritize your well-being.